My Greatest Fear

Between visits, trips, sickness, and classes, I lost track of how many weeks it had been since I was able to do one of my favorite things on the planet, which is sing for Jesus. This past week, I was scheduled to do this song and part of me was relieved because I already knew it by heart. Less to have to prepare for…or so I thought.

The day before I had to sing it, while driving alone, it seemed like the Lord was trying to tell me to do something different with it. I decided that I should pull over in a quiet parking lot and ask Him. Over the next hour or so, and with prayers from friends, I wrote and arranged the following words sung towards the end of the song:

All my life you’ve never failed me.

All my life you’ve never left my side

So with everything that I have in me

I’m gonna testify of your faithfulness…and trustworthiness

The enemy can’t stop me from singing

With my brothers and my sisters

I had a whole new verse to remember in less than 24 hours. I trusted that if this was truly from God, which I believed it to be, that He would give me the recollection when the time came. Still, I kept replaying it in my head. Multiple times, I couldn’t remember when I got to that point.

The enemy likes to make you think in moments like those that you won’t be able to do it. You aren’t capable of such things. It’s what he used to tell me while I was memorizing large amounts of scripture as I would confuse the words or skip parts. I ignored him and would just keep trying. An amazing thing would then happen. The words would go from being jumbled to just flowing out of my mouth as if I barely had to think about them.

Still, I had to do my part in learning and preparing. I was in bed by 8:30 and planned to wake up extra early. I didn’t fall asleep till close to ten because Connor came in wanting to snuggle. We are working on getting him to sleep more in his own bed and were enforcing that new rule that night in an attempt to give me a better night’s rest.

At 2am, I woke up to water spilling on me. It was Connor, who had broken into our room (yes, he can pick a lock) and was getting a drink of water from the cup that I always have sitting by my side of the bed. I shot up in surprise spilling more water in the process.

The mind is funny when it’s only half awake because the words that came out of my mouth initially as I jumped out of bed were, “I’m gonna freak out,” but I didn’t. Connor exclaimed, “it was an accident!” Ralph returned Connor to his room while I changed into new clothes.

I had just grabbed a towel and threw it over the wet spot saying, “I am NOT changing these sheets!” I didn’t want to be awake longer than I needed to be, but when Ralph came back in, he assessed the damage and said, “Court, the bed is soaked. We have to change these.” So we did and I didn’t argue.

As I was laying back down, I knew that, once again, the enemy was messing with me. The thought crossed my mind to change my alarm so that I could get more sleep. I decided that I still needed the extra time more than the sleep.

At 6:15am, I pulled into the church parking lot as a raccoon was sitting on top of a dumpster. I immediately got my camera out to document it for Liam for two reasons. His nickname is Coon because he loves to take things out of trash cans and find “treasures” in the water or on the ground. The second reason is because I thought that, if he wanted to, Liam could do a voice over of the raccoon as he was trying to figure out how to get in to that dumpster.

I enjoyed the raccoon and the sun rising for a few minutes before I put my head down to rehearse what I had written with God. On top of that, I still had to practice the parts to the other four songs the worship team was singing. I was so glad that I woke up extra early.

At sound check, I informed my worship leader, Alisha of what had taken place the day before. She showed no apprehensions. After I had sang it, she loved it. I was relieved.

Jeremy, the campus pastor, was doing his sound check when he nonchalantly threw my name with Alisha’s about praying after the song. She was supposed to be doing it because she is gifted in that, in addition to her amazing ability to lead. Immediately, Alisha walked over to me, and said, “can you pray? I think you have something to say.” 

I am one to prepare for just about everything. I have nightmares before I am scheduled to lead worship about not being prepared or on time to sing. Despite that, I answered, “yes” to Alisha and didn’t think about it again. I knew that the Lord would give me the words.

Having planned words is within my comfort zone. I do not believe I can speak well spontaneously. The words just don’t seem to come out right or not at all.

As we always do, our group gathered and prayed before the service. That is not enough for me, though. I continue praying out loud quietly in the minutes leading up to it as my body quietly trembles. Singing in front of people has been my most consistent biggest fear since I was a little girl. Despite that, I do it because I believe God has called me to it.

To give into my fear of singing in front of people is to be disobedient to God. It would be letting the enemy succeed in trying to paralyze me with fear. I refuse to let him win this battle that rages every time I step onto a stage to sing for Jesus.

Once again, like what I wrote in the song, I am testifying of God’s faithfulness because the words for both the song and prayer came. Greater is He that is in me than he that is in the world (1 John 4:4). I pray that this be used to draw people to Jesus in ways that I can’t comprehend.

I am SOOOOO grateful to be a part of this incredible team (on and off the stage) who is sensitive and obedient to what God is trying to do on earth and at Discovery Church in Orlando, FL. May God get all the glory that’s deserved.

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